fdesalvo
Well-known member
Haha, I thought this was good for a laugh...
Hurricane season
(applicable to any coastal areas)
We're approaching another hurricane
season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the
TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar
blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic
Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be
in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the
big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend
that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people
will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you
must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is
cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then
they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company
can drop you like a hot potato.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated
27 different home insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane
shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and
if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with
advantages and disadvantages:
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they
will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that
these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that
they're very easy to use and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
(4) Hurricane proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
(5) Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the
hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying
area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Gulf Coast ," you
live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as
a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you
will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last
can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong
size for the flashlights.
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but
it's traditional, so GET some!
(NOTE from Louisiana resident: WE know what the bleach is for!!! Water stood in S. La. homes for weeks, causing mold, mildew and God-knows-whatever else! Sheetrock/drywall acts as a siphon, sucking the water even higher.)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate
the alligators. Ask anybody who went through
Camille. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators. (same for Louisiana.....also Nutria and snakes)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after
the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator
from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As
the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important
that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in
rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally important it
is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in
Paradise.
Hurricane season
(applicable to any coastal areas)
We're approaching another hurricane
season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the
TV and see a weatherman pointing to some radar
blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic
Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be
in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the
big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend
that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people
will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you
must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is
cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then
they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company
can drop you like a hot potato.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated
27 different home insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane
shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and
if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with
advantages and disadvantages:
(1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they
will fall off.
(2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that
these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is
that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
(3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that
they're very easy to use and will definitely
protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
(4) Hurricane proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
(5) Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the
hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying
area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Gulf Coast ," you
live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home along
with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as
a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you
will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last
can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the
following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights
(2) At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong
size for the flashlights.
(3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but
it's traditional, so GET some!
(NOTE from Louisiana resident: WE know what the bleach is for!!! Water stood in S. La. homes for weeks, causing mold, mildew and God-knows-whatever else! Sheetrock/drywall acts as a siphon, sucking the water even higher.)
(4) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(5) A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.
(6) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate
the alligators. Ask anybody who went through
Camille. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators. (same for Louisiana.....also Nutria and snakes)
(7) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after
the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator
from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As
the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important
that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in
rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally important it
is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in
Paradise.
